chaotyczny dziennik lirycznej bandytki

     I feel so fucking worse than everyone else. Like i'm painfully behind, no matter what i do or want to do. I aim towards the big journey and i have so many good intentions, but it never seems to be enough, because i'm constantly in the same place as i used to be. I tend to move a bit further and then again i relapse into this shithole. And the worst of it all is i'm so damn jealous of everyone else. Everyone seems so happy, moving forward, healing and developing their lives - much more than me. It's not that i don't want it for them, because i really do. I just wish i could do just as well in my life.       I don't know what happened along the way that i just can't be patient with myself and with everyone around me. Being a bitch towards my own self alone wouldn't bother me that much, but for fucks sake i'm a bitch towards everyone involved and towards my own kid even. And it makes me wanna die and cry myself dry, because i know i should and can ...

      I don't know what am i doing with my life. I don't know what i should or shouldn't do. What to aim for, i don't have any bigger dreams, goals and ambitions. I don't have any strict routine, i don't have daily to do's and aspirations. I feel like i just float from day to day without any serious awareness of my existence, of what life is about.       Heard today that no one really knows what they are doing in their 20s. Which is comforting, but at the same time hard to believe. Everyone's lives seem so perfect and organized, and i feel like i'm the only one who's lost, and it drives me insane. I'm in no meaning an adult mentally. I feel like i've been kept in this snowglobe my grandma created my whole life and no one taught me how to be an adult.         Obviously there's no tutorial for that and everyone's fucked up in this matter at some point. But i painfully see right now how little space i had when i was younger. Every...

oh poor, poor girl getting lost in all this mess inside of her and the saddest part is she truly believed she was getting better stumbling one, maybe two times too much all the falling and bruising her dignity just to fall asleep on the floor because she was scared  she would make her bed smell bad with all the chemical sweat  and few bitter tears falling on the pillow lowest of the low filthy, dirty, wearing same shirt for three days struggling to brush her teeth, to be present to see clearly and think freely as she used to but if i look closely at her, freed from all the hate i see this poor, poor girl really trying and fighting even though she can't really see it yet but as i float above her conscious just observing her through all the colors of love i think she is hoping to wake up tomorrow and just try once again to be here, fully present, fully aware not only surviving through minutes as they never tend to come back but you know what's kinda beautiful? maybe right here, ...

 Dedykowana Ognistemu Kręgowi - tym, którzy odeszli, tym, którzy są, i tym, którzy dopiero nadejdą.  "Jestem stworzony ze światła. Jestem stworzony z gwiazd." "Tak poznał, że wszystko, co istnieje, stanowi żyjącą całość i że światło jest przekaźnikiem życia, ponieważ samo jest żywe i zawiera wszelkie możliwe kody. Potem zdał sobie sprawę, że chociaż został stworzony z gwiazd, nie jest żadną z nich. "Jestem spomiędzy gwiazd" - pomyślał." "Prawdziwi my - to czysta miłość, czyste światło." "Życie jest łatwe, kiedy masz zamknięte oczy i nie rozumiesz niczego, co widzisz..." "To, co widzisz i słyszysz dokładnie w tym momencie, jest niczym innym jak tylko snem. Śnisz właśnie teraz, w tej chwili. Śnisz, choć twój mózg czuwa. [...] kiedy mózg czuwa, istnieją materialne rany, które zmuszają nas do postrzegania rzeczy w linearny sposób." "Uwaga to wrodzona zdolność eliminacji i skupienia się tylko na tym, co chcemy odbierać. [...] ...