rushed
I feel so fucking worse than everyone else. Like i'm painfully behind, no matter what i do or want to do. I aim towards the big journey and i have so many good intentions, but it never seems to be enough, because i'm constantly in the same place as i used to be. I tend to move a bit further and then again i relapse into this shithole. And the worst of it all is i'm so damn jealous of everyone else. Everyone seems so happy, moving forward, healing and developing their lives - much more than me. It's not that i don't want it for them, because i really do. I just wish i could do just as well in my life.
I don't know what happened along the way that i just can't be patient with myself and with everyone around me. Being a bitch towards my own self alone wouldn't bother me that much, but for fucks sake i'm a bitch towards everyone involved and towards my own kid even. And it makes me wanna die and cry myself dry, because i know i should and can do better, but i just don't know how. I'm pretty fucking overwhelmed with awareness of how many things about me need healing. I am lost, i don't know where to start and if i start, i don't know what should go next. I don't know how to be patient, how to take care of myself, how to be happy about where i am now and where i'm heading. I cannot seem to find any peace in my current situation. Everything seems to burden me in a ways i just cannot comprehend. I wake up everyday wishing i was a better, different person, more loving and warm mother, better employee, more stable girlfriend and friend, reliable daughter and granddaughter that sparks pride in her family. But i'm just me and it sucks. I don't think i've ever been in such a dark place before. Because let's be honest, just because i don't cut myself, i don't starve and attempt suicide, doesn't mean i'm better. I'm the same person, feeling just as terrible, but at the same time i'm anchored to my responsibilities.
I don't know how to find and bring my brightness back, i don't know how to ground myself and feel hopeful about the future and safe about the present. And i just simply don't understand why it's so hard for me. Like why me? Why can't i just be happy and thriving and healthy like i should be? Why can't i have it easy too? I can't help but compare myself to everyone around, even though i know i shouldn't. But i just can't help but criticise myself for not doing enough and not being enough. Yeah... And maybe that's the problem... Maybe i'm the one causing all the tension and by that i'm the source of my own problems. Awareness seems to be the only thing i have. And everything else? Yeah it's like a dream that never seems to come true.
Why can't i just love myself enough to give myself time to grieve, heal and figure shit out? Why am i, let's be real, my biggest enemy? Why am i in such a rush? I don't even know where i'm heading, so why am i so rushed and impatient?
Gaja.